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YOU CAN'T WAKE UP

this is not a dream

You are--[break][break]

a child, raised to be all that you are with fits of curiosity that can be passed as tokens of your age, yellow eyes like the fire that burns deep inside: present, but never certain of what shape to take or when to materialize.
[break][break]
and for that there lingers little animosity in the atmopshere. there is only affection for you and wonder at your future. they do not know of your affinity, nor do they care for your familiar. for a brief and fleeting minute that at the time seems to stretch on for eternity, it is okay to exist.
[break][break]
but love passes. kindess passes.[break][break]

eternity, too, passes.[break][break]

you're part of a machine

you are not a human being

You are a girl--[break][break]

vacant, a shell that has grown tall (too big) and eaten whole the child that was. your eyes have dimmed like filament, like they've seen a thousand years every day.[break][break]

somewhere in between the two stages, all that was inside of you was removed and replaced with stuffing and then proceeded to be dangled forever in an unturning reel that crept through the crevice of your throat- itching, but unable to be itched. [break][break]

you hide behind the legs of your parents who shout praised behind grit teeth at others, and shout something else at you.[break][break]

your face all made up

living on screen

You are a woman--[break][break]

elegant and neatly manufactured; perfectly radiant without shining too brightly. always lonely but seldom alone, you move through the webs of conceit and deceit and you bow and smile and nod your head, and every cunning remark cuts like a spear and adds to the tally.[break][break]

as long as she does not become you, you suppose it wil suffice.[break][break]

on a daily basis you lose track of who you are and often you feel that nothing at all is real and maybe you aren't either. you flicker, wondering if 'good' and 'kind' is all you will ever be and sudden (vehemently, with a rage you did not know you still possesed) you deny it all.[break][break]

at long last your familiar appears before you.[break][break]

low on self esteem

so you run on gasoline

You are a flame--[break][break]

a cumulation of every single foul word that had been wrought upon you a dozen times over-- a long list of people who have spurned you, a long list of hates and reasons to hate. but in the end, you are but a child.
[break][break]
and you do not know where this passion comes from nor where it goes when you need it the most. you do not know where the future lies, and you do not think of anything of yourself, or the world, or anything that treads between the two.