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DIDN'T NEED YOU THAT NIGHT

not gonna need you anytime

a soft spot in a hard world is a weakness. you've been hiding yours. without a trade-off, you consider nothing worth your time. even entering this world was transactional for you. a spitting image of your mother, you never needed her. there was cicada song and heavy air to breathe. at night you'd come home with red hands from digging. the sun baked your skin the same color. tilting your head, you'd press your ear to the ground and listen. the earth sustained you and you ate greedily all she had to offer. vitamins and minerals staining your mouth with iron.
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a behemoth in a child's body.
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thirteen arrives and you have almost no memory of either parent. just hours alone in the workshop. the la havas family has always been woodworkers. you aren't sure how you know, the same way you don't remember learning your name. the work is endless. you value exactness. ritual and routine give you strength.
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“ain't no one ever say you can't hold water. if you woulda had a mother, she'd've warned you. there's a danger in never letting go. born making a fist and you ain’t changed a fraction since. tell me, when ya gonna give?”
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you’ve always hated people telling you about yourself. especially when they’re right. that's the reason you and your brother got along like a cat in water. still, you loved him. he was your right arm, your right leg, all that was right about you. never once did he steer you wrong except the times he couldn't steer you at all. these days you define yourself as "amoral". in your sleep you whisper "conn." and in the morning your throat is cracked and dry./// your brother is dead and it's your fault and no one can tell you differently, your beautiful baby brother who loved you more than the sunrise. 
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every day you come home you see it. so beautiful its as if he is asleep, exhausted from a hard days work. until you realize the red isn't dirt but blood and he is covered in it. a moment away was a life time lost and the words play in your head. "i'll be right back."
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uhhhh eclipse town is full of ghosts but not in the way they think it is, you cannot even look in the backyard without wanting to throw up. as a child you were either a strongman or a fool because this is no way to live and for the first time in your life you're starting to realize maybe little girls do need a mom and a dad and that family matters but now everyone is gone and you regret everying even though nothing is your fault because how could it be you were only a child and now you are barely grown and the shop is all yours and you dont know what to do except you want to break everything to burn everything but youre too afraid for even that instead you leave a long list of "IOUs" for unfinished comissions and you run to sundial city with your eyes closed
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your father died while you were away, you dont know how and you dont want to but you have a sneaking suspicion that is was alcohol or magic or both and somehow it was intentional and you miss him even though he was never around but you cant manage to feel guilty for leaving him. he left you when conn died, left you alone with his responsibilities and no instructions and your shoulders are only so big and you got tired of people stopping by and asking so many questions when it was none of their business 

ALL MY GOODNESS TO SHOW

why're you so far from saving me

sundial city offers you a chance to hide. unprepared for your journey, you've brought nothing. the hovel is the only place you can afford. it is far from the house you grew up in. still, you don't miss eclipse town. you become a dancer. bone and sinew have always served you well. days are spent in preparation for nights. alone in the mirror, you find ways to punish yourself. there is pleasure in stretching, bending, cracking. over and over and over again, you do everything in multiples of seven. this is a holy number. god knows you need a cleanse. each drop of sweat is its own exorcism. 
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even your home, if you can call it that, doesn't know you. work keeps you busier than you can imagine. like a puppet on strings, you feel like your body isn't your own. eyes all over you, your body isn't your own. //// dancing makes you feel like part of the earth part of the crowd but it doesnt make you feel like yourself it makes you feel like surrendering like you have to surrender parts of you over and over and over and you dont know how to stop but there is something about it that tears you apart in the best way its breaking you over and over again until you learn to stay open
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uhhhh at this part right here you kind of fall in love with a girl and she has a child and it makes you want to ball your eyes out because they make you realize all you didnt have and all you lost and dear god life isnt fair and you dont know how to deal with any kind of relationship and she leaves you and at first you think its what you wanted but now you have something to compare your loneliness too and the pain has become a million times sharper than you couldve ever imagined and you wish you were a mother too because then you would have someone to love and they might love you too and you think about your mother a lot and where she came from because she came from sundial city and what if you could find her here somewhere... what if someone who knows her is here, and you think of being young and eating handfuls of clay to become human. you want to shut yourself off again but you dont know how or where to go you think you cant run everytime or you'll have no where to go 
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when you least expect it the shop creeps into your mind. imagining all the dust settling on years of work, it makes you sick. no matter how you dice it, there's no way you see yourself returning. that house has a heartbeat and it'll eat you alive//// why are you still thinking about the past. the past is the past is the past you are in a new city now, you are someone new and no one has ever even heard of a La Havas here and you are okay if you would just slow down and breathe. you've taken your mother's maiden name and you hope it makes you seem like something else. aine ma is strong and starting something new and your mother would be proud wouldnt she? that youve turned out so much like her tall and muscular and the kind of woman who will always win a fight or die trying.
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IF THE CALM WOULD ALLOW

then i'd just be floating to you now

the devil is beating his wife but its just too damn beautiful outside to care and you know no one does. you joined the leviathan coven. illusion was your mothers magic. your father wouldve wanted you to follow in the La Havas name once again and specialize in transfiguration but you cannot risk that you know what you want and that is to disappear you have to in order to survive and it doesn't come naturally but youre a force to be reckoned with and you will make yourself bend if it breaks you so you dont care it is nothing like furniture making it is better there is nothing to catch you up in the reality of things and you dont have to worry about measurements and one table leg being just a centimeter long or thicker or whatever the hell and you can let loose some and you dont have to worry about anyone seeing you because you arent you and that is okay
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you keep dancing and keep spinning webs and you are strong stronger than anyone in the whole world you are huge and rippling with muscles and the next person who looks at you the wrong way is going to wish they died. born a spitting image of your mother, you never needed her. instead you birthed yourself again and again unitl you came out just right.